In a moment it happened. Sitting on our bed at approximately 15 minutes to midnight we feel endless into a place. You are the face between the face. You are a factor of hope that divides us from each other. We are nothing without you.
There are 15 minutes left to go. Without saying anything at all we felt our fingers run across each others face. You have 12 freckles. You have 2 wrinkles around your mouth and your skin is as soft as it could be. The windows cracked a little bit. I can feel the warm summer nights breeze come sneaking in the room. Your cloths sit un floded in a pile on your orange chair. I hate thst stuipd chair. It reminds me of everything you never wanted to be but became anyway. Its the stories you tell. Its mostly the one about you hating this material world. About conforming to a less "trendy" situation. You are what you hate. That orange chair is everything you never want to be all wrapped up in a nice orange suit.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
Saturday, August 30, 2008
At some point yesterday.
welcome to the last moment i figured you'd want to be here. I'm lost in the middle of nothing and everything. i can smell your cigarettes and your missing feelings. I know you meant more then this. Your the reason I'm dieing and the reason I'm forgetting why i was here to begin with! At some point we will be all alone and my battery was dead, i swear.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Charlie part 1
Charlie was a normal kid. He took tests and he had friends and he made silly faces at himself in the mirror when you brushed his teeth. He listened to contempuary rock and he always kissed his mother good bye. HE held doors for ladies and he always said god bless you when you sneezed. He was average in every way. He was not tall or short or fat or skinny. He was nether smart nor stupid. And when asked his name, he would politely respond, “Charles Fruitford pucker.”
Charlie didn’t like to be called by his full name yet he felt the need to tell people what it was. He didn’t like to eat strawberry's ether but he would do that to. His life was simple and silly and was going nowhere. Charlie believed that he was on a path. Charlie was supposed to just be normal and average and everything no matter what would lead him to the end of this path. What he didn’t know, was he was about to change just that.
It was a Monday. 2 days into the seven day week. It was 13 minutes past the 8th hour of the 24th day of the month. The sun was right where it should be and there was 13 clouds in the sky. 3 cumulus and 10 unidentifiable ones. There was a 32% chance for rain but Charlie doubted it. Charlie had school today. He was in 8th grade. He had 4 Friends in homeroom, and 2 friends in math class. He sat alone at lunch and would read the back of his juice box. 10% of it was juice. 90% sugar. Charlie had 3 female teachers and 2 male ones. Each with there own nick name Charlie had given to them. On this particular day Charlie was tired. He had stayed up late the night before playing computer games and he was not quite himself. After getting up and approximately 8:13 charlie took a shower ate breakfast kissed his mother goodbye and left the house at exactly 8:52 for his 5 minute walk to school which would get him there with exactly 3 minutes to spare. Charlie had walked 2 block down cranberry street when he stopped. You see Charlie had walked this way everyday of his educational life. It was safe and easy. He stopped short. He turned around, and he walked back. After reaching his home he decided to take walker street to pine street which should get him to school just at 9 am. What Charlie didn’t know was the 3 minutes he usually had in the start of his school day were important. They were on the path. So on this day Charlie, due to his spontaneous decision to take walker street rather then cranberry street, had set his life course 3 minutes behind. O what a mistake that was.
Mrs. Appletree was charlies neighbor. She lived just down the street on cranberry street. Approximately 3 blocks from charlies house. She would sit out on her giant over sized porch every mourning where she enjoyed her coffee and cranberry tart. She would sit out there until Charlie walked past which was every day at 8:56. However, today Charlie never came. She waited 2 more minutes but decided she was going to be late. Thus because of Charlie changing the course of his life by 3 minutes he changed Mrs. Appletrees as well. But we will talk more about Mrs. Appletree later.
Charlie hurried off to school where he arrived exactly on time at 9:00 am. Today because he was 3 minutes later then he usually was some one had taken his usual seat. Charlie sat in the 3rd row the forth desk from the window. He preferred to be next to the window. On his right was Tim peach, he was a quiet kid that no one every talked to. He had brown hair and brown eyes. One which was lazy. He had thick glasses and if you ask anyone in miss plums class they would tell you that they were at least 1 inch thick. Charlie knew better, he knew they were exactly ¾ of an inch. On charlies left was sally butterscotch. She was the prettiest girl in class. Charlie knew he would never have a chance with her. But between you and I it was most likely because he never had spoken a word to her. Not even one. So on this day, Charlie who was a normal kid was thrown into a not so normal world.
Charlie continued his life just like nothing had happened. Well of course he did, he didn’t know anything had happened. He went to school he did his homework,
Charlie didn’t like to be called by his full name yet he felt the need to tell people what it was. He didn’t like to eat strawberry's ether but he would do that to. His life was simple and silly and was going nowhere. Charlie believed that he was on a path. Charlie was supposed to just be normal and average and everything no matter what would lead him to the end of this path. What he didn’t know, was he was about to change just that.
It was a Monday. 2 days into the seven day week. It was 13 minutes past the 8th hour of the 24th day of the month. The sun was right where it should be and there was 13 clouds in the sky. 3 cumulus and 10 unidentifiable ones. There was a 32% chance for rain but Charlie doubted it. Charlie had school today. He was in 8th grade. He had 4 Friends in homeroom, and 2 friends in math class. He sat alone at lunch and would read the back of his juice box. 10% of it was juice. 90% sugar. Charlie had 3 female teachers and 2 male ones. Each with there own nick name Charlie had given to them. On this particular day Charlie was tired. He had stayed up late the night before playing computer games and he was not quite himself. After getting up and approximately 8:13 charlie took a shower ate breakfast kissed his mother goodbye and left the house at exactly 8:52 for his 5 minute walk to school which would get him there with exactly 3 minutes to spare. Charlie had walked 2 block down cranberry street when he stopped. You see Charlie had walked this way everyday of his educational life. It was safe and easy. He stopped short. He turned around, and he walked back. After reaching his home he decided to take walker street to pine street which should get him to school just at 9 am. What Charlie didn’t know was the 3 minutes he usually had in the start of his school day were important. They were on the path. So on this day Charlie, due to his spontaneous decision to take walker street rather then cranberry street, had set his life course 3 minutes behind. O what a mistake that was.
Mrs. Appletree was charlies neighbor. She lived just down the street on cranberry street. Approximately 3 blocks from charlies house. She would sit out on her giant over sized porch every mourning where she enjoyed her coffee and cranberry tart. She would sit out there until Charlie walked past which was every day at 8:56. However, today Charlie never came. She waited 2 more minutes but decided she was going to be late. Thus because of Charlie changing the course of his life by 3 minutes he changed Mrs. Appletrees as well. But we will talk more about Mrs. Appletree later.
Charlie hurried off to school where he arrived exactly on time at 9:00 am. Today because he was 3 minutes later then he usually was some one had taken his usual seat. Charlie sat in the 3rd row the forth desk from the window. He preferred to be next to the window. On his right was Tim peach, he was a quiet kid that no one every talked to. He had brown hair and brown eyes. One which was lazy. He had thick glasses and if you ask anyone in miss plums class they would tell you that they were at least 1 inch thick. Charlie knew better, he knew they were exactly ¾ of an inch. On charlies left was sally butterscotch. She was the prettiest girl in class. Charlie knew he would never have a chance with her. But between you and I it was most likely because he never had spoken a word to her. Not even one. So on this day, Charlie who was a normal kid was thrown into a not so normal world.
Charlie continued his life just like nothing had happened. Well of course he did, he didn’t know anything had happened. He went to school he did his homework,
Friday, August 15, 2008
If moments were numbers, then I would have figured it out.
What happens in these minutes between minutes between minutes. There are lost times we have, There are forgotten memories and a connection to them that lingers like a ghost. I'm lost in one right now. There is no dialog between these minutes. Its just a split second decision that gets us all in shambles. What if it was true. What if I was following a path and no matter what I do I will end up there. Is that worth living? Am I nothing without this moment, or does it not matter. There are over 10,647 moments before you turn 10. There are 100,543,453 moments before you turn 20. These moments are anything, it’s a chance to say hi to someone a right turn a left turn, a picking of a restaurant. These moments define you. They define the person you interact with they define the person you drive by or cut off or wave at. Every action you take further extends this wave of the present and sets out a standard of life. What if you made the wrong action. What if your decision created a ripple that would set the earth of course and change the life of everyone. But only for a split second.
Moment number 25,003
Moment number 33,546.
Im sitting on the edge of my bed. Its hot out and im not sure if its worth getting up. Things are planned for the day. Things I have planned for awhile. Im wearing a ripped white t-shirt with “red team” written in sharpie marker on the front. My room is sunny and messy. Downstairs I hear my sister fighting with my dad. Its Saturday morning at 11:32 am. I hate sleeping late. I hate it but never can force myself to get out of bed. It makes me guilty. The world is awake and alive and im sleeping. Think of the life im missing. If I had gotten up 3 hours earlier up until this point in my life I would have been awake for 593 more days. I think its sad really.
Moment number 120,456,233
There are 36 minutes left in the hour. There are 6 days left in the week. There are 31 days in this month. 8 of them are left. I’m 853 miles from home. I’m 1204 miles from her. As distance and time become more and more of a factor in this situation. I find myself yearning for a simpler time. I want to pretend were in love and drive away together. I would have left tonight if you had asked. I would have driven away to anyplace you wanted. After 3 years and 22 days of not seeing each other things seemed weird now. You are awkward and cute and have forgotten all the dumb things I had done. You’ve grown up and cut your hair and the darkness in your front teeth has become beautiful. In some split second moment it seemed like we were going to run away. That’s silly though. Though I'm sitting by the phone waiting for you to call I don’t think you will. That’s silly as well. What would you have to say to me?
When I was a kid I dreamed I could change the future. I wondered what factors would need to be different for this to happen. I soon realized I would never know this because I didn’t know what was supposed to happen. My family and I went to the beach that summer. That was the summer I learned to talk in a southern accent as well as make bracelets. The bracelets were for the girl across the street. She had brown hair and reluctantly called her “brownie.” Im assuming that wasn’t her name. Im wondering why I met her. I was obsessed. I mean I assume most young boys are obsessed with girls but I wondered where she had come from and why I had never seen her again. It gets me thinking. Life is strange that way. I cant remember anything about her but I believe I was supposed to meet her so I could somehow stay on track.
**
We were driving home from a “Christmas” party. My father was mad in the front seat. He had explained to us that we were Jewish and didn’t like my sister have Christmas lights in her room. This was a problem. Thing is when my sister was younger she was a hard ass. She had grown up with this mentality that it must go her way. My father on the other hand was also a hard ass. The two clashed much often. Tonight's fight was like no other. We arrived at the house to the screams between the two of them. My sister ran out of the car in the garage and my father ran full force behind her. It was one of the few times I ever feared my father. I was always hesitant to cross him after that.
**
after awhile I found him sitting alone in the dark downstairs. I asked him what was wrong. After a long pause he told me…
“If people tell you things enough, you sometimes need to think about if its true or not.”
Im not sure what was told to him. Im not sure if I had told him. But someone told him something and he was different from then on.
For the next couple of years he didn’t loose his temper. Nor did he really yell at us. He kinda was just there.
Moment number 25,003
Moment number 33,546.
Im sitting on the edge of my bed. Its hot out and im not sure if its worth getting up. Things are planned for the day. Things I have planned for awhile. Im wearing a ripped white t-shirt with “red team” written in sharpie marker on the front. My room is sunny and messy. Downstairs I hear my sister fighting with my dad. Its Saturday morning at 11:32 am. I hate sleeping late. I hate it but never can force myself to get out of bed. It makes me guilty. The world is awake and alive and im sleeping. Think of the life im missing. If I had gotten up 3 hours earlier up until this point in my life I would have been awake for 593 more days. I think its sad really.
Moment number 120,456,233
There are 36 minutes left in the hour. There are 6 days left in the week. There are 31 days in this month. 8 of them are left. I’m 853 miles from home. I’m 1204 miles from her. As distance and time become more and more of a factor in this situation. I find myself yearning for a simpler time. I want to pretend were in love and drive away together. I would have left tonight if you had asked. I would have driven away to anyplace you wanted. After 3 years and 22 days of not seeing each other things seemed weird now. You are awkward and cute and have forgotten all the dumb things I had done. You’ve grown up and cut your hair and the darkness in your front teeth has become beautiful. In some split second moment it seemed like we were going to run away. That’s silly though. Though I'm sitting by the phone waiting for you to call I don’t think you will. That’s silly as well. What would you have to say to me?
When I was a kid I dreamed I could change the future. I wondered what factors would need to be different for this to happen. I soon realized I would never know this because I didn’t know what was supposed to happen. My family and I went to the beach that summer. That was the summer I learned to talk in a southern accent as well as make bracelets. The bracelets were for the girl across the street. She had brown hair and reluctantly called her “brownie.” Im assuming that wasn’t her name. Im wondering why I met her. I was obsessed. I mean I assume most young boys are obsessed with girls but I wondered where she had come from and why I had never seen her again. It gets me thinking. Life is strange that way. I cant remember anything about her but I believe I was supposed to meet her so I could somehow stay on track.
**
We were driving home from a “Christmas” party. My father was mad in the front seat. He had explained to us that we were Jewish and didn’t like my sister have Christmas lights in her room. This was a problem. Thing is when my sister was younger she was a hard ass. She had grown up with this mentality that it must go her way. My father on the other hand was also a hard ass. The two clashed much often. Tonight's fight was like no other. We arrived at the house to the screams between the two of them. My sister ran out of the car in the garage and my father ran full force behind her. It was one of the few times I ever feared my father. I was always hesitant to cross him after that.
**
after awhile I found him sitting alone in the dark downstairs. I asked him what was wrong. After a long pause he told me…
“If people tell you things enough, you sometimes need to think about if its true or not.”
Im not sure what was told to him. Im not sure if I had told him. But someone told him something and he was different from then on.
For the next couple of years he didn’t loose his temper. Nor did he really yell at us. He kinda was just there.
Hope
Today was a good day. As the sun set on the cluster of houses we feel as if we had succeeded in keeping them away for at least one more day. Sounds from above continued through the night. We sat in fear as it grew louder and louder. As a child i had grown accustomed to the noise. However in this place it was differnt. We were living it. Nothing would ever be the same. We feared that if we were to fall asleep we would dream of things long forgotten. So we sat shivering together in the dark. We didnt exchange names as this made it to personal. It wasnt about comfort or love or the fact that i would never feel this way about anyone ever again, it was about hope.
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