If moments were numbers, then I would have figured it out.

What happens in these minutes between minutes between minutes. There are lost times we have, There are forgotten memories and a connection to them that lingers like a ghost. I'm lost in one right now. There is no dialog between these minutes. Its just a split second decision that gets us all in shambles. What if it was true. What if I was following a path and no matter what I do I will end up there. Is that worth living? Am I nothing without this moment, or does it not matter. There are over 10,647 moments before you turn 10. There are 100,543,453 moments before you turn 20. These moments are anything, it’s a chance to say hi to someone a right turn a left turn, a picking of a restaurant. These moments define you. They define the person you interact with they define the person you drive by or cut off or wave at. Every action you take further extends this wave of the present and sets out a standard of life. What if you made the wrong action. What if your decision created a ripple that would set the earth of course and change the life of everyone. But only for a split second.


Moment number 25,003



Moment number 33,546.

Im sitting on the edge of my bed. Its hot out and im not sure if its worth getting up. Things are planned for the day. Things I have planned for awhile. Im wearing a ripped white t-shirt with “red team” written in sharpie marker on the front. My room is sunny and messy. Downstairs I hear my sister fighting with my dad. Its Saturday morning at 11:32 am. I hate sleeping late. I hate it but never can force myself to get out of bed. It makes me guilty. The world is awake and alive and im sleeping. Think of the life im missing. If I had gotten up 3 hours earlier up until this point in my life I would have been awake for 593 more days. I think its sad really.


Moment number 120,456,233

There are 36 minutes left in the hour. There are 6 days left in the week. There are 31 days in this month. 8 of them are left. I’m 853 miles from home. I’m 1204 miles from her. As distance and time become more and more of a factor in this situation. I find myself yearning for a simpler time. I want to pretend were in love and drive away together. I would have left tonight if you had asked. I would have driven away to anyplace you wanted. After 3 years and 22 days of not seeing each other things seemed weird now. You are awkward and cute and have forgotten all the dumb things I had done. You’ve grown up and cut your hair and the darkness in your front teeth has become beautiful. In some split second moment it seemed like we were going to run away. That’s silly though. Though I'm sitting by the phone waiting for you to call I don’t think you will. That’s silly as well. What would you have to say to me?



When I was a kid I dreamed I could change the future. I wondered what factors would need to be different for this to happen. I soon realized I would never know this because I didn’t know what was supposed to happen. My family and I went to the beach that summer. That was the summer I learned to talk in a southern accent as well as make bracelets. The bracelets were for the girl across the street. She had brown hair and reluctantly called her “brownie.” Im assuming that wasn’t her name. Im wondering why I met her. I was obsessed. I mean I assume most young boys are obsessed with girls but I wondered where she had come from and why I had never seen her again. It gets me thinking. Life is strange that way. I cant remember anything about her but I believe I was supposed to meet her so I could somehow stay on track.

**

We were driving home from a “Christmas” party. My father was mad in the front seat. He had explained to us that we were Jewish and didn’t like my sister have Christmas lights in her room. This was a problem. Thing is when my sister was younger she was a hard ass. She had grown up with this mentality that it must go her way. My father on the other hand was also a hard ass. The two clashed much often. Tonight's fight was like no other. We arrived at the house to the screams between the two of them. My sister ran out of the car in the garage and my father ran full force behind her. It was one of the few times I ever feared my father. I was always hesitant to cross him after that.

**

after awhile I found him sitting alone in the dark downstairs. I asked him what was wrong. After a long pause he told me…

“If people tell you things enough, you sometimes need to think about if its true or not.”

Im not sure what was told to him. Im not sure if I had told him. But someone told him something and he was different from then on.

For the next couple of years he didn’t loose his temper. Nor did he really yell at us. He kinda was just there.